Players

Players listed by door. Only players so far revealed have been listed.

(Songs and quotes are credited to the individuals most frequently attributed for their creation.)

1. Given Name: ZB Popsicle

Description: ZB Popsicle is eighteen year old ginger in a penguin suit with an odd penchant for dark humor and ice puns. Whether intentionally or not, she seems to have no trouble going against social norms, and isn’t particularly popular among her fellow contestants because of it. Without doubt, she’s come to the game with the intention of ruffling some feathers.

ZB is a staunch atheist, and quite vocal about it when asked (and often when not). Finds Mormons hilarious.

Regardless of whether or not she wins the game, she secretly loves the idea of one day going on an “adventure” with someone she can call a friend. The exact specifics of the adventure aren’t important, as long as the person she travels with is someone she can genuinely connect with without judgement.

Has tried on multiple occasions to count the thousands upon thousands of freckles that dot her body, but has never succeeded. Says that she lacks the focus.

Has no shame in telling everyone she meets that she does improv comedy.

Has a terrible nail-biting habit. Hates the idea of getting a manicure, even if she did have long nails. Thinks the idea of paying someone to do something like that is weird.

Claims to have caused Cold Minute as retribution for the ills of Climate Change on behalf of her brethren. The veracity of this claim has yet to be confirmed. Was born only several hours prior to the event.

Unsurprisingly from Florida.

Favorite Song: Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

Least Favorite Song: Under Pressure – Queen

Words To Live By: “I’m afraid that my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.” – Mr. Freeze

3. Given Name: Martha Dwight

Description: Martha has gained a reputation both in her personal life and the game as an extreme bibliophile, and that fame is well-deserved, her having chosen to spend every possible free moment cracking open a book. Martha reads an average of four novels a day. She is interested in the game as a way to live out the many mysteries she’s read, hoping that the libraries of Christie, Sayers, and Doyle have prepared her for the challenges ahead.

Martha is a speed reader, but does not think that most people should try to speed read themselves. As a personal rule, she always stops to sub-vocalize dialogue. Believes that something is lost if a work is read too quickly. (In her view, this doesn’t apply as much to non-fiction, although she doesn’t read too much of that.)

Possesses an excellent (but not photographic) memory. Able to recollect the vast majority of information that she’s read without issue.

Martha is considerably overweight, something she couldn’t care less about. Outside the game, rarely seen not in a brightly-colored sweater. Likes to feel warm. White and quite pale. Wears her hair in a short and messy ponytail.

Was once a literary purist, although she has put those days behind her. Looking to expand her horizons in this regard. Still has some things she’s reluctant to read; perhaps for good reason.

Rejects her parent’s conception of success.

Can type at 115 WPM consistently without pushing herself. Doesn’t care.

Favorite Song: One Day More – Claude-Michel Schönberg

Least Favorite Song: Lose Yourself – Eminem

Words To Live By: “To live without Hope is to Cease to live.” – Fyodor Dostoevsky

4. Given Name: Dorothea M.

Description: Dorothea — or Dorothy/Dot, as most call her — seems to survive in a perpetual state of exhaustion. She is easily recognizable for the astoundingly dark bags around her eyes, although the reasons for this are confusing, considering that Dot is an especially well-rested person; according to her, she’s spent over half her adult life sleeping.  (This was by choice.) When given the option, most of the time, Dot would be happiest sleeping.

One of two players with the audacity to have worn sweatpants on national television. Feels no remorse for this crime against fashion. Has dark wavy hair, and is by far the palest player in the game.

Went to college for music theory. Decided not to continue the endeavor within half a semester. Currently unemployed, as far as anyone seems to know.

Rarely passionate about any given topic, although it’s said that she has a lot to say on the topic of lucid dreaming, if one were to ask.

Despises thieves, unfairness, Pomeranians, and lying, especially to children. Feels bad for those she sees as deceived, even when trying not to be. Often has difficulty making her point while in an argument, and tends to think of smarter responses than the ones she’d given days later while in the shower.

Like many people, has a weird Canadian side to her family that she is not in contact with. When she was very young, her parents told her there were excellent reasons for this.

Notably, does not need the money she’d receive from winning.

Favorite Song: Humoresque – Antonín Dvořák

Least Favorite Song: Megalovania – Toby Fox

Words to live by: “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” – Edgar Allen Poe

5. Given Name: Cornea Skinner

Description: Dr. Cornea Skinner (Corn, as he prefers to be called) is by far the picture that most might have of medical professionals, although few end up minding once they get to know him. At 29, Corn is a young but respected anesthesiologist, managing to impress his peers and superiors even accounting for the judgement he receives due to his weight. (389lbs, at last measurement.) Is said to be a phenomenal physician, and was second in his class in medical school. Corn comes across as a happy person, for the most part, and is able to switch between moments of seriousness and joviality as required.

Has never stolen from work in order to feed his habits, and has never allowed them to negatively impact his ability to perform. Takes his job far too seriously for that.

A vegan. Obsessed with fruit, particularly berries. Eats around ten pounds of fruit per day when possible. Not a fruitarian by philosophy, and is well-aware that so much may not be healthy for him — just loves the taste. Secretly wishes it were possible to subsist only off fruit.

Rather appropriately, cannot stand to see others in pain. Despite this, has chosen to wear sweatpants, hurting everyone. In addition, wears a hoodie so large that it serves as a free-flowing robe, even on a person as big as him. Has a buzz cut, and is white. Possesses a surprisingly healthy complexion, at least if one doesn’t look at his back.

Due mostly to shortsightedness, does not always take the most optimal path towards achieving a goal, and sometimes can ignore important details. This is also partially a result of overconfidence, something Corn admits to have struggled with in the past.

The phrase “Aurora Borealis” makes him giggle, for whatever reason.

Once did something very dumb with a tree.

Favorite Song: Dragon Attack – Queen

Least Favorite Song: Slob On My Knob – Three3 Six6 Mafia

Words To Live By: “The language of friendship is not words but meanings.” – Henry David Thoreau

7. Given Name: Quote

Description: Quote, both in name and appearance, has chosen to model herself while playing the game after the main character of her favorite video game, Cave Story. The cosplay isn’t perfect, but she worked hard on it, and she’s quite proud of it, all things considered.

Quote graduated magna cum laude in 2021 as a computer engineer, and she has sustained herself as a freelance programmer in the time since. She enjoys it so far, and assuming that her 1/16 shot at winning the game doesn’t pull through, expects to continue it far into the future.

Has an appreciation for esoteric programming languages. As a passion project, wants to rewrite a minimalist version of Tetris in as many esoteric languages as possible. She has already accomplished this feat in Shakespeare, Pikachu, Piet, Chef, and Brainfuck, among many others. Currently working on Malbolge, although she’s in no rush.

In her free time, Quote is a speedrunner, playing mainly Cave Story. Quote holds the world record in all categories of the game, including a 54:57 run of the best ending run. Quote is aware of some of the stigma associated with speedrunners (some of which she has no problem admitting to be deserved), but she hopes to improve the image of the community by demonstrating good character and sportsmanship.

After the game, depending on how things go, Quote is considering speedrunning something new, mainly due to the lack of public interest in Cave Story. Main considerations include Paper Mario and the Thousand Year DoorSuper Mario Sunshine, or any game with Kirby in it.

Greatly appreciates her ability to feel and move. Believes that people should always strive to improve their character, and that nothing in life is as important as making sure that one becomes a virtuous person.

Visibly Hispanic. Styles her hair in a short black pixie cut.

Appreciates in-jokes and friends who can get them.

Favorite Song:  Running Hell – Daisuke Amaya (cover by DM Dokuro)

Least Favorite Song: Conversations & Events (Relaxed) – Shiina Ozawa & Ashif Hakik

Words To Live By: “So long as you always maintain a sense of exploration, you will someday find the way out. This is my hope.” – The Map System

8. Given Name: Zeezrom

Description: At 20, Zeezrom is the only known Mormon to be participating in the game. That fact doesn’t intimidate him, however; he recognizes the perceived absurdity many take to his presence and feels no offense because of it. Having been a Mormon since birth, Zeezrom is very well aware of the many misconceptions that members of the general public have about his belief system, and he hopes to set a good example by winning the game in as fair and honorable of a way as he can.

Even in the context of the game, Zeezrom rejects the idea that it is okay to lie. Sees deception as wrong in all situations, although understands the reality that other players are not likely to share or apply this view. Believes that it is possible to win the game without dishonesty.

Zeezrom has no trouble being honest about the fact that Zeezrom isn’t his actual name, and openly has told the other players his real one, Layton. Likes both very much.

Genuinely enjoys meeting new people, although finds himself nervous when in large groups. Continues trying his best in spite of this anxiety, and has yet to let it stop him. Refuses to give up.

Zeezrom is black, and is most easily recognized for his very weak chin and unimpressive stature. Few find him physically attractive. He has shown up to the game hoping to look his best.

Loves Croatia. Despises when people laugh at this (although loves them regardless, as a member of the Church).

Could use the money.

Favorite Song: My Name Is Lazarus – Greater Vision

Least Favorite Song: Part Of Your World – Jodi Benson

Words To Live By: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

12. Given Name: By Menachem

Description: A six-foot-two mystery-loving monster, By Menachem has never wanted anything more than a chance to participate in something like the game. Had thought something like it to have existed probably only within the realm of fiction.

As of the start of the game, has finished two web serials, Space Attorney: Star Witness and Ionia of Illumination. Is only proud of the latter. Subsists entirely on donations from her fans. Still unsure what to make her third serial about, but she hopes to find inspiration while playing the game. Has read many web serials, and is glad for the mainstream success they’ve begun to achieve in the few years prior to the game having started.

Has a rather peculiar epistemic system. Embraces radical skepticism, and rejects the idea that one could ever have absolute knowledge about anything. (In fairness, she has acknowledged that may have broken this rule a few times during her life, whether intentionally or not.)

In no uncertain terms, a giant loser. When the game ends, By plans to take clips of herself airing on television and overlay them with various soundtracks she first heard in obscure Japanese visual novels. This would be purely for personal enjoyment, disgustingly enough.

Supposedly, By was a very lazy child.

Despises, perhaps more than anything, multi-level marketing.

Shortly before Cold Minute, was threatened by the “Lie Monster”. Doesn’t have any real recollection of the event, and isn’t bothered by it.

Name not reflective of sexuality.

Favorite Song: Climax Return V3 – Masafumi Takada

Least Favorite Song: Quietus – Shinji Hosoe

Words To Live By: “Stupid things, in the end.  Nonsensical.  But stupid, nonsensical things were sometimes the most important.” – John McCrae